Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I deserve this hangover.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
