Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
