I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
