I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
