So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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