At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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