i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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