He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
