Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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