mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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