dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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