Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
