I think my vagina is haunted
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Randomize
