OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
