When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
