I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Holy sore nipples Batman
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
