The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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