On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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