Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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