Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
