when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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