i just sent this text using only my big toe
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
