so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
