Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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