Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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