Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
