god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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