Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize