i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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