I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
