u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He did a backflip because drugs
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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