Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize