I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
