Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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