can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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