when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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