Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
