I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
