all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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