About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
