We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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