he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
how drunk are you?
Several
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
