too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
