There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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