Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I checked into jail on foursquare
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
