Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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