i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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