I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
