If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
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