I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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