So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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