You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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