things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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