man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
