If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
