So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
