Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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